Imposter Syndrome in the IT World

i'm not going to be talking about security on a security conference so i might be feel like i'm an impostor here right and it's what i'm going to start talking today a little bit about my story so you can understand where i'm coming from i started as a java developer in spain and i had a sister living in france that tried to convince me to go to france to work and i don't i didn't speak french at that moment but i said well why not i will go one weekend to paris visit her have an interview and they will say no right and especially with my english it was even worse than now with the worst

accent but actually they accept and they give and gave me a job and i was really really stressed all the time because i had to improve my english learn french and to prove that i was there just because i deserve it and not because my sister was working there so i was always trying to work later than usual to have a even more hours there working late and i didn't understand them when they were speaking french so at lunch time i was eating the sandwich looking at everybody and saying what i'm doing here and all the time i was amazed by my colleagues because they were understanding everything they had a lot of knowledge and for me they

they had to explain me things probably twice because i wasn't understanding their english or when they were going to explain to someone else it was in french so i was becoming really anxious to be honest because of that so a little recap feeling anxious all the time out of the place working late to compensate and also a little bit depressed because all of that it was putting a lot of pressure on me even though that i got some promotions there i changed different uh roles there and i was getting promoted to team lead i was feeling but why why they are offering me that team lead position i know that i'm not that good maybe i'm just tricking them and

i'm really good tricking them to think that i'm good and i was stealing and feeling more anxious and even with some small depressions at some moments and i didn't realize at that time that someone else has that feeling as well that is not uncommon i moved to uk 2014 got a job there and it was the same cycle i wasn't understanding people talking because i was used to american english or english spoken by french people so the real british accent i wasn't used at all and for them my accent was really harsh and it was really really hard so it was a lot of problem of communication and i was really really anxious because i

just arrived to uk and if if they fire me because what i'm gonna do and so i was working late not socializing with the others because i was even working late the feeling of out of place again and twice in your life and checking the others that they were really good so look at that one he he or she is not from uk but their english is perfect they're in fully integrated and i was feeling well but and i decided to change job and say okay in france i stayed on the same company for nine years changing roles this time i decided to do a challenge to myself i tried to find a different job okay

so i started doing some job interviews but with the feeling that i'm gonna just do some job interviews to try and they are gonna say no all the time right so i'm i'm training myself and i applied to one that all the requirements and the bullet points and they were amazing i think that maybe i was covering half of them or i thought at that time that i was covering only half of them i went to the interview and the it was for the technical project manager so i could combine all my knowledge from my time as java developer and my knowledge as a team lead and management of um of development and the first thing that they told me on

the interview it was oh you know we've been waiting for uh to cover this role for more than four months already and we are unable to find the right person so i was feeling all right so it's going to be the easiest interview ever for me because it's not going to be me i think that that relaxed me a lot saying okay i cannot do anything and after the interview i remember that the the hr guy called me and say oh hi antonio i haven't had a chance to discuss with with the two folks who interview you but i realize that we never talk about money and at that time it was a quite a

surprise for me now realize if you ever have an interview and they call you to start discussing about money it means that they want you but i didn't check at that time and as i was still thinking that they weren't going to accept when he started asking okay how much money do you want so i said something really absurd comparing with my salary so i say i don't know uh probably 25 more than my current salary i say i want x every year say okay let me let me see what's the the outcome of the interview and i'll talk to you later okay so okay so i went home and the next day um he called me

again i said oh antonio so actually good news we really like you and you told us that you're going to do other interviews with other people even this week so we want you to to come with us and our offer it was the x plus 3 000 and x it was what i asked them that it was at that time i thought it was something i've seen and so i it was a java dropping for me and said come on it's have i tricked them that good that they think that i'm i'm the one that they were looking for so of course i say yes because worst case scenario they fired me after two months and i got money right

and it was a really really different company it was around 40 people i was the only technical project manager agile delivery guy all the others they were senior developers senior platform engineers half of them they were giving talks at conferences so they were really for me i was seeing them as genius right and i said oh my goodness what am i doing here uh the same feelings again of feeling out of place working late and i'm just being lucky all the time when at the right place right moment it was the cycle again and of course feeling anxious and then it happened it was a consultancy they were struggling the first month to put me to

place me in a client and the president organized an internal conference day so he asked we're gonna organize i want uh some of you to to give talks for all the company and maybe some of the clients and as i was on the bench i i felt obliged to prepare the talk my first talk ever right and it was really challenging for me because it was all senior developers or really really people giving talks already at conferences and i prepared a talk and they say they like it and the head of delivery convinced me to submit that talk to conferences and i'll say well right they're not going to accept it anyway but they did

so for those of you who don't recognize that's a bill news in lithuania and it was my first ever talk at the conference it was there so i had to um [Music] i had to get ready to that i checked all the different speakers they were really famous speakers and i was the the the underdog there so i was really nervous but i gave the talk have some good feedback and actually the talk was accepted in other cities so i traveled to kiev to berlin new york riga and tallinn with that same talk and every time in every conference i was seeing the other conference speakers oh wow they are amazing what i'm doing here so it was

all the time like that so i never got rid of that feeling of being an imposter all the time a colleague say you know just try to create another talk and to learn more because if you are giving one token you can do more so i decided to learn i follow scott hanselmann course about public speaking that is great and i find that he is really really amazing giving talks and a colleague told me you know i don't i submit now ideas and if one of the idea is accepted at the conference then i create the talk i don't create the talk first so like yeah an mvp oh cool that sounds great so i did that and i

submitted a talk about technical debt and it was accepted a box that is thessaloniki and i got an email like that saying that it was rated among the best for the whole conference and i said oh my goodness no no no how how can can it be like that because i was feeling impossible as imposter again okay i need to create a talk and it needs to be amazing because on the others let's check the other speakers right and the keynote it was of course scott hanselman and i just completed a pluralsight course that he was giving the talk and he was amazing so i was feeling even down down really nervous the weeks before preparing the talk i

was so nervous that i couldn't sleep my talk it was the second day the last one before the closing keynote by someone else so i was seeing the first day all the amazing talks with all the speakers and i was feeling even more and more down but speaking with a french speaker there he told me you know why you're nervous the fact is you submitted your tag in your talk like i did and the program committee think it will be great so don't worry it will be great so despite that all this time i was feeling like a fraud the fact is it was accepted like a talk of someone else and that's really important to

differentiate fact and feeling so some questions for you now have you ever compared yourself with other team members of like a fraud that you are the one pulling down your team have you ever felt unworthy of your job promotion or maybe you haven't applied to a job offer because you don't fulfill absolutely all the bullet points have you ever doubted of your successes when you have a promotion or when someone gave you a positive feedback that you are so focused on the negative that you disregard all of that so if you know someone who could have answered yes to any of those questions those are traits of imposter syndrome and it's a psychological pattern and when we doubt about our

accomplishments and we have a persistent fear that we're going to be exposed as a fraud that everybody else is going to realize that we have a fraud it happened a lot so you are not alone it's around 70 percent of individuals experience at least once in their life the impostor syndrome there are a lot of things that can trigger that when you move to a new city to a new university when you new company when you move to a new country when you're part of underrepresented gender or ethnicity you feel that you are there for the quota or you are the weird one and you don't feel that you are there because you are amazing oh because you deserve

it the reality is you are there because you deserve it not because they need to cover the the immigrant quota or sincere you will recognize some sense of imposter syndrome in yourself or others when you are afraid or feel safe to ask for help and you keep digging digging for the answer yourself you don't finish project because it's not perfect you cannot start a project or a talk for a conference speaker because you don't know how to start and you keep procrastinating when you check other people they are talented the other speakers your other teammates and you are just lucky and you are constantly looking for external validation from your peers from your manager for the feedback forms at conferences

and when you are looking at validation you are only focused on the negative feedback expressions of the syndrome i've been coding more than 20 years my code is good no need to review it oh you want to open source this but what what what if they find bugs i'll go home later let me finish this every day so the thing is we're afraid of the code review when we're not used to that because we think that we're bad the with open source it's worth not to open source that and they still have the bags right so for imposter syndrome i always call what the four horsemen of imposter syndrome self-doubt perfectionism anxiety and fear of failure for me

that's the fourth major things that happened to me quite a lot of time but now i know about that self-doubt but you feel that you will never know enough which sometimes is a good thing but if you focus on that it's a bad thing it's good to acknowledge but not to keep focus you are constantly seeking training or certifications to improve or succeed but it's more about having that extra line on your linkedin profile or on your cv so you can actually look less like a fraud and not about the learning part of the training or certification you are in the role for some time so you are a new team lead and after two years been the team lead you think

that you are still really bad being a team lead and you don't know enough or you feel pressed to work hard and longer to prove that you're worse so it's familiar so impostor syndrome what do you think that you know is that tiny bit and what you think that others know is the rest in reality we all complement each other there are things that we all know things that you know that the others they don't and it's like that that makes a good thing and it's also from the conference speaker that's the good thing because you learn from other speakers and you can share your experience to someone else some they know already and some

they don't so that's the important thing right perfectionism always people say you have to say that that's your your negative things and interviews no that's not really a good thing or a bad thing but if you feel that everything needs to be 100 perfect 100 of the time you might be having perfectionism you set really goals so high that you have doubts when you don't reach them you don't delegate because it will it will not be perfect and after every success you are that's not good it could have been better right that's the binary thinking of impostor syndrome you it's perfect or bad you don't see all the things in the middle and perfection actually is the enemy of

great you can do a lot of great things and it doesn't need to be perfect one thing to be great the fear of failure asking for help reveals i'm tricking them so i'm not going to ask i don't apply for job because i don't meet every single requirement or when something they have a setback because you will have like everyone you get really really you feel ashamed because you didn't manage right it's happening anxiety that's when all of these feelings before is going to make you happen and i'm not an expert on anxiety but i know that you can isolate from others you can have trouble sleeping you work more hours and you can reduce your

social life and all of them of this is a retrofitting the others how do i fight all of that well what i try to do always check the facts and feelings you remember my feeling that i was a fraud giving talks at conferences and the fact that actually my thought was accepted like the others so do the same do the list of what are you feeling and the leaks of facts of all your achievements or the things that you're doing and you will see with the facts that actually you're not a fraud save positive feedback on a folder on your computer and check it from time to time i do that with the feedback from conferences or with nice

comments when i'm feeling a little bit down i go back and i can see if i made a positive impact do the same and stop comparing with others every person is different and you might think that that person is amazing but that person might be suffering as well in poster syndrome and it's overworking now that you know that there's imposter syndrome have someone to talk to or talk about it from time to time it can be a friend someone from your family someone from the office that you talk from time to time it can be someone you met at the conference and it's probably easier to talk about that try to do some set goals small ones little by

little step by step then you have more feeling of accomplishment of small goals in that of the perfect amazing goal and be kind to yourself most of us we are really really kind with others when we evaluate others when we try to help others but not with ourselves and what it's helping me when i go to conferences and i'm too stressed about feeling that i'm an impostor i work with music sometimes that i can move a little bit and get a little bit of breathing right that works for me remember you will be always your worst critic but you deserve your success it's not luck it's your education your hard work and because you are ready and

that's the reason you have your your success now that you know impostor syndrome think about it like a policy a little bit can help you develop some immunity and can help you be more aware and give you the extra mile when you need to finish something and be bad but if you overdo that or took a lot well it's poison right so one phrase from star wars that i love star wars remember in my experience there is no such thing as luck and that it was only one kenobi and i think it's the perfect way to finish this talk thank you very much