Getting Along At Work: Helping Yourself and Your Coworkers When Experiencing Workplace Bullying and Harassment

[Applause] awesome well thank you Estefan so cool getting to know you more and do the personal color con okay awesome it'll be fun so this talk getting along when you see someone being harassed or bullied or when you're being harassed and bullied the talk comes largely from the allies point of view because it's really really hard when you're in that situation to address it yourself although there are some things doing yourself make it a lot easier for other people to help you if it's still needed we're gonna talk about that towards the end but this talk came out of kind of also a little bit about who I am my mom is hard of hearing so I

got a also federal government amusingly enough so I got a good tour of the federal government grievance process when I was a kid because my mom was left out of meetings cuz well she couldn't hear and she wasn't allowed to participate so I was able to kind of get a first-hand look at what workplace harassment looks like when you go home and it's horrible it's horrible for your health it's horrible for your family it's not just someone was a jerk to you at work it's when you go home it continues to impact your life and it impacts your health when she finally did have to retire from the federal government my mom's health still hasn't

come back so it's just I got a really good tour of how much it sucks and I don't like it and so I you know try and advocate for that not being something that happens I've been in nonprofits pretty much my entire career I started at a Don profit that helped people with intellectual disabilities and physical disabilities live independently and also function in the community which was incredible I've been in this community since I was like I don't know shorter not so short so I was like 15 going to DC 2600 and there was some Irish Sea before that so I've had a chance to watch us grow up our DEFCON 9 and DEFCON 19 alright DEFCON 19 still kind of rowdy

on the side I don't love but def kind 9 horrible so I can tell you we've grown up a lot and I've just watched it and been part of it I'm a Nova hacker are there any other Nova hackers in here no West Coast ok incidentally we're going to be doing a public speaking group at Pascal we're still working at the dates and times but if you want to practice your would like to do it in an inclusive space we're gonna be spitting that up starting next year and so I've done women's projects Tierra con which was largely about women and also everyone else creating space base for people of all backgrounds and allies and so ladies of kamas women's directed

I serve the 50-plus which is super freakin cool AARP first thing people hear is oh my god I got my AARP card but when you actually work for a company that advocates for seniors on a daily basis where you know they're out suing people who aren't nice to seniors when we're making policy and legislation I love what I do and that's that's what I get to do but this is not a work talk I'm not speaking for anyone HR has not signed off on this I am NOT it's not a work talk technology diversified is a brand-new shiny nonprofit that builds in the work we did with Tierra con which is diversity and inclusion focus so

bringing folks of diverse backgrounds together and including them so working with folks of diverse backgrounds and working with allies how do we come together to change the culture because in one moment you may be the target of a bullying situation and in the next moment you may be able to help someone who's being bullied we are all allies we are all brought together and you can be bullied if you're a guy or a gal you can be bullied anytime so how do we come together to change the overall culture and tone so that stuff is just not acceptable that's kind of what I'm about so it's important when you're talking about harassment and discrimination to

know what harassment and discrimination are and why that is so impactful harassment is because you're a member in a protected class so your gender your religion where you come from these protected classes are partially federally mandated and partially state mandated and so they are because they are based on laws there are time periods for investigation so if you come to HR with an allegation of harassment they need to start investigating it like the next day they have a time line and they have to follow their process but if you go to HR because you're being bullied totally different scenario you are not protected because bullying is not because of a protected class therefore there is no alleged

there is a very small exception and when I say small I mean four states all right what I mean is Utah and California have a law against abusive workplace behavior abuse of conduct that is that require intention so you have to intend to be a jerk to someone you have to attend to abuse someone that can be hard to prove right the intention because you can also say oh I was just clueless so you have to document and show a pattern there's a lot of burden of proof one doesn't mention intention at all Tennessee so it's a lot looser and then Nevada says bullying is illegal whether or not is intend to cause or actually causes harm

because bullying does cause harm you go home and you throw up or you get IBS are these little stress related sicknesses it's not it's not something that you see at work and then it doesn't come home with you so if you have someone who's being bullied it is really really important to go and be a support to that person because they are not legally protected they the only protections they have are based on the policies at your place of employment around workplace bullying and workplace violence does not cover workplace bullying totally different thing weird police violence is what I'm screaming at you all right but there's all of this really unacceptable behavior that starts with leaving people

off mail chains not bringing people to meetings ignoring people's ideas still not okay you know all the way up to humiliating people and email chains by calling them out for your not and happy with their work in front of their entire team up too before you get to the screaming point so there's a whole lot of room for things to go wrong for someone and they are not protected but if you go with them if you log with them if you support them and you become part of that problem with them then you're protected class because you are covered under NLRA National Labor Relations Act as collective bargaining so if it affects more than one worker

you've got protection so be there for your friends and people who are affected that was the whole point of that slide very important to know so we were going to watch some mr. robot who likes mr. robot okay so we're gonna have to kind of imagine in our heads because the video is not going to play nicely with us today but who scenes that episode one mr. robot okay a lot of you this is super cool alright so there's this girl Angela right and she goes into this meeting with all of these other people Angela's there with Elliot the other main character and when they go in that meeting is to discuss a breach something

happened and you have the MSSP people so the security people I'm not as much of a mr. Batman but I can discuss the social contracts you got the people from the contracting company right you've got the people who hire them evil Corp definitely evil guy's a jerk and then you've got the feds who say nothing so say nothing not my problem so they go in and they're having this meeting about this post breach activity and Angela's boss says let's have Angela who is the account executive give us the the readout on the incident you know because she's the one who knows the best well the C makes one error and it'll start saying hey okay well this is what

we're doing and she makes a mistake on the time which if you've handled an incident you may have made a mistake when you were doing the read out - it's not that hard and the CEO promptly jumps in her neck and he's like we need someone technical here you're not on the ball he's really really hostile towards her he was already getting worked up when she started to talk he was already getting steamed up and then he basically had her thrown out of the room so he went to his direct and his direct went to the head of the contracting company and he grabbed Angela and he took her out and there were some really interesting

points in this scenario one is Elliot who was friends with Angela apparently from childhood again I'm not a huge mr. Rohit fan jumps in to try and help Angela he's like you know interrupting the boss trying to berate her by answering her question for her that actually didn't help her when I watched the video I watched it three or four times I didn't catch it until the second or third viewing so what Elliot was doing and trying to answer the question for Angela but she was being berated when she was trying to answer was actually supporting the bully because it was taking power from Angela it was taking away her ability to be an agent and she wasn't

able to pick back up from them and that was right around when she got shoved out of the room for not being technical and not being at the level and we need a higher level of people in this room which was pretty much how that went down so there was some attempted support but it was the wrong kind of support and it didn't work and there was an episode later where Angela raised this with Elliot and Elliot was completely clueless he didn't realize that what he done hadn't worked for her I wouldn't have worked for anyone right so this is one of those things where it's not that hard to do the wrong thing meaning well

but there are ways of doing the right thing and meaning well the last really important character scenario when there to mention were the bystanders so when you go into a situation like that and you've got a boss being completely uncool out of line and you look at him and you know yeah yeah it's not okay or some other person who is in power or just someone in a meeting it is really hard to stand up to them and say hey no I'm cool in that moment because there's a lot of pressure to please that person in that position to power the minute the Angela left the meeting everyone kind of leaned in and got huddled and it was it

was totally a we're here to be with you and so there was a lot of pressure to not support her and it really sucked for Angela and she left right that can happen to each and every one of us regardless of gender race disability or ability any of us can be shut out of a meeting at any time but it was particularly sucky for her and it was particularly sucky I think for the bystanders and I kind of want to dig in on that one of the things I have found most sucky is when I have to watch someone else be treated badly and there's nothing I can do about it you know what do I do

I don't know what to do I don't want to get pulled up and hit in front of HR myself I don't want to cause problems or make anyone else uncomfortable but that person is definitely uncomfortable and so some of the reasons for bystanders to be passive are they're afraid of their loss of privacy because the HR investigations are not private they can say that but they do have to investigate and that information is not private they're afraid of bad consequences or the bully taking it out on them they're afraid of getting too involved they don't want to deal with this drama and at home or at work they're afraid because they're introverts but they may think that

there's nothing's going to come it but you can absolutely stand up for other people and have it be effective so so you're there what do you say what do you do right like I just saw this it's not okay and there's it's totally okay to not do anything right then if you're ever in that situation it's totally okay yeah I pulled out the that slide what's going to play video at this point so it's okay to not say anything right then go talk to them afterwards go and say hey I hear you I notice it wasn't just you I'm gonna log just you know I kept a note of what happened who was there and

if you ever need to talk to me you can't it can be very traumatizing to be targeted and it can also be traumatizing to be the to be a secondary trauma by being the witness especially when you feel disempowered so it's not that person's job to do your work for you if you're traumatized there's ways of getting help therapists are awesome EAP s do not suck but being there for that person is really really important logging cannot be underestimated if it did not get written down it didn't happen all right if you did not write it down it did not happen so you can go to work and be bullied by your boss or someone else every day for two years and

if you didn't write it down it didn't happen so it's really important other things is an ally you can do you can go someone just makes horrible racist remark what you mean by that dark yeah no seriously what did you mean when you said that house is on the wrong side of the tracks you no oh because you mean it's the black neighborhood right no see you you have to challenge that stuff as you feel safe and comfortable and you don't have to do it in that moment if I were in a room where I had the CEO griping up my contracting company I had the feds being completely useless no comment and right I wouldn't necessarily stand up there

and be like yo CEO guy you're horrible and you need to knock it off because I would have walked out too and I probably wouldn't have a job the next day right but afterwards go to that person or take the person who's being inappropriate aside being humiliated in front of a lot of people is going to get a negative reaction right and sometimes this stuff is just being clueless like Elliott in that particular shoot in that particular moment he didn't realize that talking for her was hurtful but if you go and you have that side conversation sometimes you can create real change and the other person doesn't have to do it the target doesn't have to but you kind

of got to judge your scenarios carefully like I have got people who I will go to and be like hi so you know and some people I can do that and some people you can't but look into it think it through trust your gut and then all right what else can I do because that still feels kind of like not a lot right I can go to HR with them it's okay because then you're a protected class if you're going together if it's bullying that's something you can do it will possibly cause problems for you as well 75% of HR involvement is new job so you kind of got to think that through definitely don't push the target to do

things they're not comfortable with because they may not want to change jobs they may choose to take the abuse it's not something you can decide for them but what you can do is in every possible opportunity you get say something good so hey coworker I want to recognize your greatness today and getting all of these policies together for us because I know it's not fun and I really want to recognize the effort and the quality of your work right doing that stuff in front of other people changes how they treat the target because then the messaging isn't all negative it's not all this person stupid it's not all this person doesn't contribute it's this person's work is always wrong

no now let's let me point out this super positive thing about this person or point out the certain positive thing about the working style in your group so that you can change that you can influence the entire team and spread on out by being a good example of how to talk to you and talk with other people

aha now I can actually go to a slide and not not have a video so my craft formations are genuine small acts of kindness so that's what I was just talking about in terms of saying nice things you do not have to limit it to someone you know who's being picked on you can go okay what are the strategic initiatives I want to encourage like I want to encourage mmmm or you know communications a communications group to do this certain kind of communication so you give them lots of positive reinforcement and suddenly they're doing what you want right you can use micro formations and encouragement to change corporate culture and people's willingness to buy into your ideas because if they feel

supported by you they're much more likely to want to do things for you and help you build your initiatives so I use that to basically I pick an area where people are being nice to people and I say nice things I'm like yes no I want to talk to you about how this group this outsourced contracting group is super awesome let's talk about this victory they made today in bone management because it's a huge victory let's talk about their achievements over the last six months doing that for groups that are marginalized recognizing their greatness and their success can change the entire organizations concept of that group and improve the concept and the performance of that group so there's you

cannot say enough things about saying nice things about nice people or even jerky people cuz they can change bullying policy you're not protected with that one unless you're in those four states and then enjoy your lawsuit also if you have to call someone call lawyer I am NOT one and again set the tone you are people follow you you're an expert you wouldn't be in this room if you weren't good at your job and so what do you do if it occurs to you right that is that is the sucky slide I have had to experience bullying and harassment you know I have been there for people as they have experienced bullying and harassment and

I've seen you know I know someone who's right now experiencing major health problems due to bullying and harassment you know so it is it's horrible to be targeted first thing is don't wait because the longer you put up with the the longer there is a case history of it not bothering you so if they can say hey this has been gone for six months and you're just now saying something about it well yeah because you were afraid to go to HR but it still undermines your case if you have to go to HR so start logging early don't wait forever it is a really good idea to validate so log for a day or two or a week or two

see if this is like a pattern right get a feel for it it is really important if you can to confront your bully and do it early and the reason for that is one is the period of time at which point you know it's like well she didn't mind yeah she did and then the other thing is bullies just escalate so they don't stop they're not gonna go away do not ever assume ability is going to get tired of picking on you because you're fun and you squirm the bully is coming after you they're getting something out of it they're getting power they're getting control and they're enjoying it and so the best thing to do is to call them out on it

early because if they're a relatively mild bully then they're likely to stop and if they're not you'll know what you're dealing with and you can take action finding friends is really important back to the bullying thing and having some ability to take care of yourself but in general if you're being bullied or harassed you have a lot of trauma going on and it happening a lot so having people who can tell you you're not crazy is super helpful and yeah definitely if the bully doesn't stop where the harasser doesn't stop or if it's a cultural thing in the office talk to an attorney it is never about use of money to call an attorney I have

never regretted spending money on an attorney okay you can call LegalZoom unfortunately Oregon doesn't do Legal Zoom there's another legal plan that covers Oregon but if you have a legal plan use it just call spend an hour on the phone with an attorney and you're not going to have big problems but if you don't have that conversation early you won't know what your problems are or how big they are and performance one of the first things that goes to hell in a handbasket when you're being bullied is your performance so especially if you've got a hidden disability or you have like ADHD if you are having these experiences that are undermining your performance well if you have to go to the point

where you file with HR you go to HR and you say this isn't cool they look at your performance and if your performance has already slipped into the toilet because you've had a bad day every day for the last six months to a year your professional work then they can say oh yeah they're just doing this because they suck at their job so it's like this nasty reinforcing cycle and so the way to keep your power in your hands is to go early and to log and so I'm going to leave you with a quote and then answer any questions I can't answer given that I'm not legally an attorney just a very interested person when everything around

you seems to be lacking in integrity when you see things around you that are not in line with what a person with integrity would do you change the world from where you're standing you get active bystander training which is something that is offered with even more skills because this is terrifying to speak up and you just basically stand there and you say it's not okay and whatever way shape or form you feel most comfortable

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