Mind The Goop - Dawn O'Connor

okay so uh good morning everyone and welcome to my talk which is as La has just said M the goop and you can see here but before we go into that I'll give you a brief overview of who's who this person is that stood in front of you so I'm a co-founder of a female Leed cyber security consultancy called Shi key cyber I've worked in cyber for the past five years I have a background in Risk compliance and psychology and as many of us in this room now I wear many hats um I'm a partner I'm a sister I'm a daughter I have a very important role as a catmom um I'm also a friend and a colleague so I'm more than

my titles so what is goop well it's the good opinion of other people we live in a world that's full of Noise We have people queuing up to give their opinion about almost everything and it's has become so overwhelming it happens in all aspects of Our Lives whether that be personal or professional we receive we receive goop from our family and but generally that comes from a place of Love they want to protect us and make sure that we're making the right choices we have goop on social media platforms telling us to live this way that way how to be how to be um healthy how to get great um health and well-being but when did we decide that

all these opinions should hold such come words out such significance in our life choices without firstly verifying the source of the information or questioning indeed if it is the right advice for us as we go about our day today how do we navigate all this goop and how do we ensure it aligns with our values and who we're supposed to be and the person that we want to live up to so that we live life on our own own terms and not the expectations of others and we'll explore this as we move

on on a daily basis we're surrounded by loads of people they could be work colleagues loved ones and friends and who you choose to spend your time with can have a massive impact on your life and I'm sure you've heard many times we become who we surround ourselves with author and speaker Tony Robbins once said the quality of a person's life is most often a direct reflection of the expectations of their peer group it's important to seek out those people in that group for Mutual support and growth the people that when the world feels heavy or you want some guidance or feel vulnerable will hold safe space for you for as long as you need it these are the

people who are invested in helping you and want to see you succeed and being around those people who share your values visions and goals but those who will also challenge you and this is so much more helpful than trying to change those who have an opposite agenda of yours so as it says here choose them wisely they will be your

anchors how often when we receive information do we stop silence the noise and pause so that we can listen to our own internal voice the one that is aligned with our values and beliefs how many times do we ask ourselves does the information we're receiving serve or distract us does it align with our own ethics values and aspirations and more importantly will the information take you toward your goals so many of us fall into the Trap of making wrong career choices based on others opinions maybe you were drawn into a more creative career but decided to become let's say a solicitor because your parents thought that was more sensible and More in keeping with what

they expected from you now this happened to me when I was younger all of my mom's side of the family are in the nursing profession so yes you've guessed it I took myself off to be a mental health nurse but after a few years I decided to leave as I was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled and I still remember to this day the emotion and the upset that I felt as I told my mom that I was leaving the profession she didn't speak to me for 3 weeks probably the longest three weeks of my life and I was told I was ruining my life and making a huge mistake fast forward to today I've had a lot of great

experiences and I've learned a lot about myself and I've done this by reflecting on the things that haven't gone so well although it seems scary as it did for me leaving nursing we need to occasionally take a risk that at the time may not seem like it's the right move but later we come to realize it was actually one of the best decisions you made because you trusted yourself more than the opinions of others and so I've accepted that I live a life on my own terms and that when I make a decision and it doesn't go my way it's absolutely my responsibility responsibility to own it and it's on no one else so as it says here set your

intention and say no to anything that isn't that so a ship is always safe at the sure but that is not what it's built for we talk about building organizational resilience all the time in our roles and we're fairly comfortable with that but what are you doing to build your own internal resilience how do you prioritize your mental health and well-being so that the good opinion of other people does not consume your thoughts and present you from moving forward we generally go through life playing it safe we're taught not to take risks because we may fail so we're fearful of making the wrong decision we stay comfortable in our safe spaces and as it says here a ship is

safe at the shore part of building internal resilience is to understand our emotions and reflect on how we respond in certain situations especially when we push ourselves out of our comfort zones so ask yourself how do you react when you take a risk and it doesn't work out how you expected how do you take criticism how do we deal with rejection do you try to be do you try to keep the peace and become a people pleaser start taking note of how certain situations make you feel and then begin to take control of your responses and what you'll find is some situations will require no response and some will need a more measured one but it will be time well

spent trust me when I first started trying to get into the industry I experienced imposter syndrome and I still do to this day I mean I'm probably experiencing it right now um I didn't feel worthy of anyone's time or attention who was I to have a career in side cyber I didn't even know anything and so I stayed on the sidelines where I felt safe observing it finally got to the point when I realized I wasn't moving forward and I had to find the courage from somewhere to reach out to people for advice so I took a risk and I started asking for help I grabbed my boat and I left the shore and gradually my world

started to change opportunities opened up and as I grew more confident my circle of contacts grew and as time went on one thing I did was PRI prioritize where I spent my time and who and what I spent my energy on now this was pivotal in my growth and I began to say no more to the things in my life that didn't align with where I wanted to go and the person that I wanted to become it's really important to note that no creates boundaries for what you're prepared to tolerate and you'll notice people will respond to that so start saying no to the things that do not Al align with your own values so

that when you're ready to step out of your comfort zone you'll see how much Karma life feels and how much more freedom and control you have so in the past when I'd find myself in new environments or situations I'd say yes to everything because I was fearful that people would believe that I didn't want it enough and I'm sure we can all relate to that and it's because we've been told all our lives that if we don't seem eager it's like we don't want something enough but I actually found it quite liberating to start saying no to things and it opened up more space for me and it opened up more opportunities there's never a right time

so take Le for Faith trust the timing of your decisions and be aware of your emotions because at the end of the day everything will be okay and most importantly you will be okay I just want to ask the audience when you think of the word authentic what does it mean to you what what Springs to mind yeah yeah so you hear you hear all the time be your authentic self you hear it on social media you'll hear it all around you and people just say off the cuff but what does it actually mean people tend to live their lives based on obligations roles and expectations being authentic is when your thoughts actions and words are in

alignment with who you are it's when we present our true selves to the world without the need to fit in or impress others but to get to that point doesn't happen overnight it takes time and it takes effort the author Bren Brown said authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day it's about the choice to show up and be real the choice to be honest and the choice to let ourselves be seen as human beings we're usually afraid of displaying our fears and anxieties and are fearful of being judged by others if we do not invest the time in our own internal resilience as I mentioned previously we will continue to seek

external validation to justify our decisions and and rather than finding the courage to be true to who we are and living life as we want to live it but we cannot talk about authenticity without touching on Integrity Integrity has been defined as adherence to moral and ethical principles soundness of moral character and honesty many of us on a daily basis make decisions that will Define who we are and what we stand for while some decisions are smaller than others they will impact us all the same when we live our lives with Integrity it means that we let our actions speak for who we are and what we believe in Integrity is a choice we make

and it's a choice we must keep making every moment of Our Lives it takes courage to challenge something that does not align with who you are but if we choose to compromise it can have far-reaching consequences for ourselves and those around

us success is an inside job the most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself this quote is from a great book I read by Bob berg and John David man called the go-giver when when we stop questioning our worth and realize we are capable and worthy of so much more than we allow ourselves to believe life begins to open up and opportunities will present themselves because we're not trying to force outcomes and live up to expectations of who we think who we think we should be in almost all situations we see things as we are not how they are and so we carry our perceptions and beliefs about ourselves around the world because this is all we know and probably or

we've ever known when people say believe in yourself more it more often than not just goes over our heads because the feeling of not being worthy or good enough can be so deep rooted and feel heavy so it's not an overnight fix and this is the time you need the support of your anchors as we discussed it earlier the people that you trust your trusted Network these feelings are often present when we search for a job and this has happened to me on loads of occasions our fear of rejection often creates a Blocker in our lives when we get the confirmation of the interview in our mind immediately we've shown up to the interview we've messed up the

interview and we've been rejected even before we set foot in the room so how can we how can we flip the internal script that we have constantly going on in our mind we could start by adopting a growth mindset view challenges and setbacks as opportunities for growth and learning emphasize the importance of effort and Improvement rather than seeking Perfection our inner dialogue is far more powerful than anything anyone can say to us we are more capable than we give ourselves credit for and we have the freedom to change the direction of our lives at any point by making a decision to but it must be a decision made by us that aligns with who we are

and what we stand for not because it's the good opinion of other people so before I go into the three key takeaways just like to to leave just with with a with a thought so growing towards being independent of the good opinion of others doesn't mean you're above asking for advice it simply means that you think critically about the advice that you're receiving and ask yourself is this right for me does it serve me so my three key takeaways for today take the risk and leave the shore in order to grow we need to step out of our comfort zones but only do this when you feel ready and supported and you have your anchors around you

that will guide you on your journey the most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself external validation of your worthiness will be shortlived invest in yourself and build internal resilience it will be time well spent and finally success is an inside job know your values and what you stand for people will have an opinion of what you should do but only you know what feels right for you so trust that thank you very much for listening to my good opinion of the good opinion of other people does anybody have any

questions any questions

comments I would say on impost syndome it's not impost syr syst and I think I hear a

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yeah yeah yeah thank you thank

you another big [Applause] brilliant